6 Hilarious Ways Game Designers Are Screwing Over Pirates

cheap Canada Goose Since the beginning of time (or thereabouts), creative people have been at war with other, less creative people who want to enjoy the creative people’s work for free. Digital media has made it easier than ever to steal something anonymously and not canada goose outlet parka rot in jail, and the canada goose outlet sale huge amount of pirated video games floating out there is evidence of that. but it’s also made it possible for the creators to finally get their revenge. This usually canada goose outlet shop comes in the form of hidden code that cleverly tortures pirates in all sorts of creative ways, like. cheap Canada Goose

canada goose factory sale Bohemia Interactive, publishers of the war simulator ARMA and humanity is horrible simulator DayZ, have a reputation for creating authentic and detailed military shooters unless you steal their shit, that is. In that case, the simulation is only accurate if you’ve always assumed that soldiers are secretly high on LSD at all times. canada goose factory sale

Canada Goose online That’s what ARMA 2 looks like when it decides to turn on the underwater filter on the camera just to mess with you. For instance, in canada goose outlet jackets the ARMA series, your guns will become increasingly inaccurate, your vehicles won’t obey your orders, and your enemies will start acting like they’re going through a collective brain stroke. goose outlet canada It’s like the game itself is learning to hate you and will do everything possible to get you to leave it alone. Canada Goose online

The AI’s synchronized dance moves will also get super weird.

uk canada goose But video game pirates are nothing if not persistent, as evidenced by the 200 viruses and Russian dating site ads masquerading as «download» buttons they had to click on before getting to install a game for free. If they insist on playing the pirated version of ARMA 2 after canada goose outlet black friday everything else, DEGRADE will eventually turn canada goose outlet their soldier into a bird not a bird holding an AK 47 canada goose outlet store or driving a tank, just a regular ol’ bird, flying high above the map. This is accompanied by a message that says: «Good birds do not fly away from this game, you have only yourself to blame.» uk canada goose

canadian goose jacket Which is usually the case whenever you get turned into an animal. canadian goose jacket

Canada Goose sale Naturally, outraged players took to places like Reddit to lambast Ubisoft for this irresponsible oversight. just as the company planned it (this one time, anyway). Turns out the developers intentionally left out this option from the game, adding it on release day through an update patch only lawful players could get. The result? Pirates accidentally outing themselves and getting publicly shamed by Far Cry 4’s director canada goose https://www.winterdownparkas.com outlet toronto factory on Twitter: Canada Goose sale

«Also, your favorite porn star just told me you have a tiny penis. Yes, you, personally.»

Canada Goose Jackets Good one, Ubisoft! Uh, except for the part where you can pretend to release a broken game and people think canada goose outlet uk it’s business as usual for your company, we guess. But other than that, great! Canada Goose Jackets

The Talos Principle is a first person puzzle game from Croteam, a developer that might canada goose outlet in usa sound familiar to readers of this article series: They are behind Serious Sam 3, the game that unleashes an unkillable scorpion man on your ass if you pirate it. You’d think people would know better than to illegally download Croteam games by now, but nope, they’re still canada goose jacket outlet doing it and Croteam is still messing with them in hilarious ways.

For The Talos Principle, though, the punishment was more subtle than a murderous monster chasing you around. Pirates are able to progress through the game normally up until they enter the game’s first elevator:

canada goose store It’s almost like this elevator looks like a cage for some reason. canada goose store

canada goose clearance canada goose outlet sale Halfway to the destination, the elevator completely stops. No loading screens, no dialogue, no emergency phone to alert the super the thing will just sit there, suspended in the air, leaving pirates canada goose outlet online with nothing to do but look back on the mistakes that brought them to this point. canada goose clearance sale

Missing the sweet irony in being trapped in a game they aren’t supposed to be playing in the first place, some brave pirates tried canada goose outlet store uk to turn to the Internet for help with fixing the elevator, leading to the now customary widespread mockery. Even the game’s publisher, Devolver Digital, jumped in to congratulate the developers for their pirate foiling creativity:

Canada Goose Coats On Sale Rowling is probably glad she didn’t use her full name. His new, completely out of character fashion accessory even has a little skull and crossbones symbol on it, just to make it extra clear that you’re canada goose factory outlet seeing this because you’re a cheap bastard and if you somehow still don’t get the message, the loading screens will now show you a somewhat passive aggressive tip, reading, «If you like this game, support Remedy [Entertainment, the developer] by buying it.» This was apparently still too subtle for some pirates, though, resulting in message board threads like this one: Canada Goose Coats On Sale

canada goose clearance «Also, the car I stole has a decal I don’t like on the back how do I remove it?» canada goose clearance

uk canada goose outlet EA Games couldn’t quite figure out how to take people who illegally downloaded this game and drop them from high distances, but they canada goose black friday sale did the next best thing: They introduced a bug that turns the character from a superhumanly good gymnast to, well, a cowardly slob like the rest of canada goose outlet canada us. uk canada goose outlet

«Achievement unlocked: Pooped yourself 30 times.»

canada goose When a copy of Mirror’s Edge detects that it’s been pirated, it will let you play the game normally for the tutorial and the first two levels presumably because it wants you to get invested in this shit before ruining your fun. Once you reach the third level, though, you’ll notice that your perpetually fast running canada goose outlet reviews character will automatically lose steam the closer she comes to any of the critical jumps between buildings that are spread throughout the game. canada goose

«Fuuuuuuuck this, I’m moving to one of those Facebook farming games.»

buy canada goose jacket cheap That’s right she basically starts acting as a normal person would, utterly ruining the fantasy. Regardless of how you approach the edge of the canada goose outlet uk sale buildings, she’ll always slow down, making it impossible to progress any further in the game. It’s like she suddenly becomes aware that elevators are a thing and feels super silly for how she’s been getting around so far. And if you decide to try to make a jump anyway, you’ll quickly find yourself replaying Wile E. Coyote’s part in a Road Runner cartoon. buy canada goose jacket cheap

Hey, at least the gravity still works fine.

canada goose uk shop We can only hope that the canada goose outlet new york city Mirror’s Edge sequel in the works adds a feature that automatically uploads your falls to YouTube and makes you look like the shittiest player ever. canada goose uk shop

The Sims 4 is the latest iteration of the popular virtual life/twisted god simulator that allows players to care for or (most commonly) psychologically destroy the inhabitants of their own virtual household. Naturally, EA canada goose outlet nyc doesn’t want to let people in on the soul killing fun without paying the price of admission, so they found a clever method to let pirates get a first taste before completely censoring all the good content. The method: literally censoring all the good content, by blurring the shit out of everything, as if your Sims’ house was plastered in dicks.

Canada Goose Outlet Or they lived in a LucasArts adventure game. Canada Goose Outlet

As you might know, whenever one of the Sims does something that would raise the game’s rating to 18+ (such as using the bathroom or suggestively eating a banana, probably) the game will censor it by blurring the offending graphics. In a legal copy of The canada goose outlet online uk Sims 4, the censorship will go away as soon as the character is decent again. but pirated copies will retain the blur, which will continue to grow until it eventually censors the entire screen, rendering everything outside of the menu an unwatchable mess of scrambled pixel vomit. Which is pretty unfortunate, because no one plays The Sims because they want to leave things to the imagination.

You’d think people would know better than to illegally

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